Watching Dr Who while I chill out this evening and it prompted some thoughts. Had a lovely weekend at work, and a great time meeting up with a friend today (the wise friend who inspired a previous post).
Nan and I had been having a great week, she’s been very chirpy. Until yesterday, she had written herself a note to say the carer was coming at half 5. Stupidly I questioned her about it because the carer wasn’t due that evening. Told her not to worry, but it was too late and she got so worked up she ended up crying, and I felt awful.
Today she’s been subdued and drifting into her silence again. So I’ve been pondering. I know what I’m doing for nan is fab (big head), but I can’t help thinking of opportunities I might miss, have missed, will miss down to a feeling of commitment to nan. I know I won’t leave her, so I feel I can’t grouse, as it’s a choice I’m making. But will I look back in 20 years and hope I had done something different? Even wondering that now makes me feel guilty, almost as if I’m betraying nan for my own wants and wishes. But why should I always come second?
I can’t seem to make a decision any more, nan will always come first, and that makes every decision so hard.
But I wouldn’t change it, my situation, it’s unique and has opened so many doors and windows for me, and has given me time with nan I’ll cherish. I just wish other people would understand the thought processes that go into day to day living with nan and the dementia.