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Stick Or Twist

Well tonight has been what can only be described as hellish. I could have quite happily packed my bags and roamed the streets.
It all started because nan had gone upstairs. I hate this when I go out so it’s one of our three golden rules. I was feeling on edge and so didn’t handle it as well as I should have. I know it’s my fault and I let rip. dementia nan was attacking me with all the ‘you make me feel like a prisoner’ ‘I don’t need you here, what do you I couldn’t?’
There are things I think sometimes in my darkest moments. Things I don’t tell anybody. Things I always hoped nan never knew. But I flipped. And told dementia nan that I wasn’t sure why I had put my life on hold for her, nobody else had or would. That if it wasn’t for me she’d be in a care home by now. And that sometimes I think she’d be better off there as she’s so miserable with me. That it wasn’t choice that sent me to her and I didn’t have to keep doing it. And that’s when nan can back. And burst into tears.
And because I’m so awful that just made me feel crosser. So I had to leave the room.
I was sick of constantly worrying about dementia nan and her feelings. I wanted to wallow in mine. So I ended up stewing in my twisted, guilty messed up head and feeling worse.
I apologised and mum got involved. But things still feel on edge but maybe it’s me.
I don’t want people to think I’m a good carer who copes so well because I don’t think I am. Deep down I fear I’m becoming resentful, not only of nan but of all those I know who are getting to do what they want to do, living the lives they want.
I feel conflicted. I want to stick by nan. And I know this is just a blip. But how many more blips do I stick with before I leave the table?

4 thoughts on “Stick Or Twist

  1. We all explode. We are all human. Can you get someone to give you some time off – take a holiday – a few days away? Even though you have “put you life on hold” you have to remember to have a life for yourself, as best you can, now, in this time. Take care of yourself, and you will be a better carer for Nan. BIG HUGS to you.

    • Thanks Maria. I’m going on holiday in a couple of weeks. I’m excited but get so nervy leaving nan!
      Appreciate the support and hugs. Definitely need to start doing something about time to myself instead of just thinking about it.
      It’s something I really promote for others but can’t seem to lead by example! Xxx

  2. Dear Kirsty,

    No matter what you find yourself doing in life, there are always those moments when you want to turn in your mother/wife/friend/button. But we take a breath, take a break and keep on. Life is not passing you by; you are creating a wonderful life for yourself in learning how to care for others and learning how to live a giving, loving life. This will serve you well for the rest of your life!

    Karen Brenner

    • Thanks Karen. I appreciate your support. Had a major melt down yesterday and think its important to let people know no bodies perfect and we all struggle.
      It’s the aftermath of guilt that feels worse.
      Feeling more positive tonight and deep down know I’m doing something great. Just got to remember that during the times I want to scream! Xxz

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