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Better Do Better

Goodness, I was so busy writing yesterday I was completely oblivious to the fact that it was my 100th post. Yay me, cake to celebrate. To all those who have read all 100 posts I salute you, to those that have read only a few a nod of the head to you. And of course a massive thankyou to all of you, seeing how much my blog grows really keeps me going.

Today is a ranty post. Taken out of context it may well seem bitchy, but lets not forget that it’s the dementia nan I get cross with, not nan nan.

Why has all the common sense gone? That’s beginning to make things really tricky. You or I may well think “I’d like a cup of tea, I’ll put the kettle on, oh its empty, I’ll fill it up, oh the sink in the kitchen has not been plumbed in yet, I’ll fill it up in the bathroom” And then proceed to do this without even thinking about it. Dementia nan however has other ideas. “I want a cup of tea, I will put the teabag and the milk in a cup and then leave it in the sink as the logical route is inaccessible and because I (dementia) am a b*tch I will not allow any thinking outside of the box”. So by the time I clambered out of bed this morning nan was grumpy as she had no cup of tea. And I’ve noticed this “logical thinking” deteriorating a lot more this week, and I’ve been more frustrated as it means I’m doing more to make up for it. Don’t get me wrong, once we have a fully working kitchen I will be encouraging nan to do more for herself, but seeing as we are still settling in and it all seems to have caught up with nan I’m running myself ragged doing everything for her. Leaving no time for me to make some friends, or get a part time job.

I get worked up most in the morning, I would love a proper lie in. Without worrying about nan getting dressed, prompting her to brush her teeth (another thing falling by the wayside), getting breakfast and of course that essential cup of tea. Then because I’m feeling grumpy I take it out on nan by hardly talking to her. Then by mid morning I feel horribly guilty and spend a bit of time chatting and laughing with her, until she asks one too many questions and then I feel frustrated again. Then I get more wound up at lunch time because I’m having to make nan lunch, otherwise she just sits there. I know it’s not her, that the dementia probably isn’t making the connection from “I’m hungry” to “I’ll make a sandwich” or that because of the dementia she’s forgotten how or where to start when making a sandwich. But I’m starting to feel like she just expects it. And I know if I wasn’t making her lunch she’d sit and starve til dinner. But the worst time of day at the moment for me is now (just before bed), it’s when I start to think about how much better I could have or should have handled the day. And I go to sleep thinking I will do better tomorrow. And then get woken up by nan banging the cupboards and so it starts.

I know exactly why I’m not perky at the moment, I’m still not sleeping well (counting stars/catching up on the TV I have to miss in the day because nan HAS to watch her programmes). I know it’s not fair on nan with me being moody bitch of the year, so I’m drafting mum in more. Although deep down I feel like she’s doing “it” wrong or interfering (apparently I don’t like not being control, or sharing-this makes nan sound like some sort of object, so I hope some of you understand where I’m coming from there).

So for now, tomorrow I’ll do better. For nan’s sake, and mine. Stop wallowing, stop feeling guilty and get up with some positive thoughts. Failing that, getting up to Mcfly (the music, probably not the band-although that would be a pleasant surprise, not sure if their girlfriends would be too happy though) always seems to set me up for a good day. Let’s see.

“Oh I’m back up off the floor,
and I won’t get hurt no more”

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