Well that’s surprising.
Here I was thinking I’d figured out how to anticipate and prevent the black pit, and then I woke up in it. And I mean really deep in the pit. I’ve spent most of the day hiding under the duvet crying. I will partly blame this on what seems to be an infection complete with swollen glands and ulcers. But I know part of it is down to moving, I’m still really struggling. I’ve left literally everything I know and love my job, my friends, my almost freedom. And here it feels worse, I have no work, no friends and no money to get out and experience some freedom.
This led to me completely snapping at mum today. I was under the impression I’d be getting more help with nan but it’s suddenly dawned on me that this won’t happen. Mum will be working full time soon and so she won’t be able to get as involved in caring for nan as I’d thought she would.
I don’t know, I guess I assumed moving here would be the miracle I needed to make things easier and for mum to take over a bit. It’s making me feel so resentful, which makes me feel sadder and more guilty. Because I shouldn’t be attacking my family, but why say something and get me to give up everything when you know it won’t happen?
And I know now I can’t leave, I’d never leave nan because she’d take it so personally. But I’m so sick of being the only one having to deal with the dementia side of nan. And I really don’t want external carers in again, because it took so long to find one decent one at home, and if we do get them in we may as well have stayed in Headcorn.
And then I start thinking of how hard everyone else has it, how easy my life is in comparison. And I feel selfish for whining on. I just feel so sad today.