“Now I’m running for the light in the tunnel but it’s just the train”
The last few days I’ve been stuck in my head. It led to me writing a poem in my brain at 2am and I thought I ought to share it. The trouble is though I think it needs explaining.
When I get low I can’t see things getting any better, is that just the depression or is it a fact of life? The truth is though I think I could handle everything better if people stopped telling me things would get better. Like I’d have to get on and adjust, otherwise I’m stuck in an eternal loop of hoping and being disappointed. Accepting that it won’t get better is surely easier to deal with than constant disappointment?
I knitted all day today just to keep my mind busy to stop it wallowing in this pit. I’m sick of feeling like my brain is broken. Like it’s not wired right. I feel so cross so quickly and it frightens me how quickly I feel I’ve reached my limit. So many times I have an internal struggle to stop from physically lashing out and I’m worried one day I’ll lose that control.
I hate how sad I can feel. Like there’s no reason to get up or wash. Thankfully this time I have nan to get up for, but sometimes I wish I could just lay in a ball and make everything vanish.
I worry about how numb I feel, so much of the time I feel I should be crying or laughing, but can’t find the energy in my brain to get my body to do it.
And I worry about letting people know what’s going on in my head, in case they don’t want to be my friend, or give me a job.
And when I do feel happy it comes from seemingly no where. I can’t stop, I dance, I sing and rabbit on and on and on and on. I don’t get tired and start a million projects but never stick at them long enough to finish them.
Except the hat. I knitted a hat today. So the poem shall follow in a new post, and for now I shall keep focussed on the small things (and global domination).