“It’ll get better, it has to, I’ll just keep going like I have been and every day it will get a little bit better…it will be better soon”
Nan : this isn’t fair on you, you know
Me: I don’t see it like that nan
Nan: I just feel like I’m a burden on you, you should be out living your life.
So it’s been a rough few days. Had several huge barneys with mum and spent a lot of time crying. I just felt so cross and sad and let down. I understand there is a lot of stuff going on both ends but I had built up this perfect vision of what moving would be and so far it had felt like a massive let down.
Don’t get me wrong, I love caring for nan and wouldn’t change it for the world. I just need some time off every now and again. Considering what I’ve left behind I don’t think I was asking for much. Moving back to Kent is not an option. Not for me, and for those of you who know me even a little bit you’ll know that. The guilt I’d feel if I left nan. How sad and let down she’d feel-she’d take it personally. How lost I’d feel without her. How I’d spend every minute of every day worrying that something wasn’t being done, that something would slip, that nan would be left unhappy in some way because of my actions.
Everyone tells me that this is not my responsibility, even nan. But I don’t think of it as a responsibility, there was always another option, and I made this choice because I knew I could do the best things for nan. And because in some way I needed to feel like I had/could accomplish something.
I know I can’t have everything. and that moving is always a struggle. But it’s hard to start again, especially when you don’t have the time to start anything.
Still negotiations have been achieved, and I will be starting to venture into a life more. I have an audition Tuesday, and even if I don’t get cast I’ll be volunteering backstage. Theatre has been in my blood since my parent’s started taking me to musicals when I was yay high. Going back to that may make me feel more settled. And mum has found a field archery club so when I feel stabby I can go kill fake animals (I would seriously recommend archery to anyone struggling with stress-all the kill, none of the guilt).