Sometimes tears say all there is to say
Sometimes your first scars won’t ever fade away
Tried to break my heart
Well it’s broke
Tried to hang me high
Well I’m choked
Wanted rain on me
Well I’m soaked
Soaked to the skin
Hi all, it’s only Kirsty today. Nanny Jean is missing the laptop though so I’ll be sure to get her input again very soon! Been feeling pretty run down and crappy for the last few days. I think it’s known as man flu? So spent a good few hours in bed feeling sorry for myself. Unfortunately no matter how rubbish I feel someone still has to help nan, although having the day off from cooking yesterday was very welcome.
But overall I have felt increasingly resentful, bitter and angry. And of course despite my best attempts I have taken it out on nan. Honestly she is so amazing for not only putting up with me, but also knowing that the resentment is nothing to with her. Just the situation. How she manages to still take it on the chin and not whack me round the head I do not know. Because in my opinion I have been completely and utterly foul.
And that isn’t me being hard on myself, I have been sarcastic, rude and what I would consider to be downright mean. I feel like I have belittled nan and only made myself feel worse in the process. The worst part was no matter how bitter and resentful I was acting nan was being a sweetheart and telling me I shouldn’t be doing it, I should have my own life, how grateful she is for the help. And then as soon as I felt a little bit calm and peaceful dementia nan would kick off.
Honestly, to an outsider it seems like nan is just a bit forgetful. But to us insiders it is so much more. It’s like a storm; in her head, in my head and within the atmosphere in the house. You never can tell when it will kick off, and it is unpreventable. Nan gets stroppy, mean, hurtful, sad, confused. Her mobility is suffering (or has suffered from the last house) and so she cannot wash her own feet. She forgets to brush her teeth, or change her clothes. She doesn’t know how to lock the front door. She won’t make a drink without prompting and supervision let alone take her medication. She doesn’t know what day it is, she can’t remember Headcorn (20 years of her life). She hasn’t got enough concentration to read the TV listings for 4 channels, let alone a newspaper article or a book. Her eyesight is decreasing so she can’t see dirt, dust or if things need cleaning. And I have to watch this day in day out. It’s not something I can just push to the back of my mind when I leave the house. I’m having to remember and care for nan and myself, and myself has been so neglected by me (that is terrible terrible english but please forgive it).
So there I was feeling snotty and achey just wishing for nan to go away for a few hours. But I know all these things still need doing, and that no matter what, I wouldn’t give nan up. Because ultimately I can pop a few pills, have a good cry, or have a bath, or read a book, or have a glass of wine and I can feel better.
It’s not that easy for nan.