Here Comes The Storm

Well hello old friend, I can’t say I’ve missed you much.

Truth is, these past couple of weeks have been better than I could have ever dreamed, work is swell, it’s fitting in well with nan, and I started to get my social life back on track.

But now, that big black cloud of worry is back, and I am finding my mood swings worse than nan’s. I know part of it is worry down to health, and of course money. But there is a niggling feeling in my tummy that something is bound to go wrong. Because it’s been going so right.

I know it’s the wrong attitude. If one more person tells me that I’ll scream. I know damn well I think wrong, but how on earth do you change the way you think?

I remember a conversation I had with a friend at school. And instead of telling them I was a natural born worrier, I said warrior. Sound so similar but mean complete opposite ends of the spectrum. If only I could harness that warrior back. Funny thing is, when I’m at work I feel like the warrior, and I’m happy and busy and ready to tackle anything. As soon as I get home I just want to be on my own. Because I can feel the storm coming, and I want to be prepared.

And there lies the problem. I wouldn’t be without nan, I certainly wouldn’t be without my job, and I wouldn’t be without my friends. I just want a night to myself. No phone, no internet, no conversation, no bloody soaps or game shows, no shouting up the stairs. Just me, a book and my ipod.

“Never gonna stop ’til the clock stops tickin’
Never gonna quit ’til my legs stop kickin’
I will follow you and we’ll both go missin’ (yeah)
No I’m never givin’ up ’til my heart stops beatin’
Never lettin’ go ’til my lungs stop breathing
I will follow you and we’ll both go missin’ (yeah)”

Waiting to Sail Your Worries Away

Seem to be having a peaceful day today, which has given me plenty of opportunity to catch up with myself. Feel bad for nan though, something is playing her up today so she’s been silent nearly all day. She can’t seem to decide if it’s her back, neck, legs or ankles. I’d wager back but there’s nothing I can do for the day to day aches and pains.

Today was Judgement Day for the pharmacy….And they delivered. Had to go through another round of questioning re: the flavour but once I had made quite clear the effects of the current meds he seemed more obliged to help. Did inform me that some antibiotics do cause similar side effects. Well I wasn’t having that, I made it clear on Friday that we were previously prescribed meds that haven’t disagreed with nan, and I would prefer those. He told me there was nothing he could do. I explained (again) that nan needs this med to keep her kidneys functioning so it’s not something I can let her go without. He finally agreed to ring a colleague, who had another brand of the meds in but couldn’t get them to pharmacy til 4. Fine, I’ll come back. Pharmacist did try to tell me I would need another prescription but I pretended I hadn’t heard and walked off. Returned at 4, was given new meds, complete with box, and shown bottle inside to confirm it is a different med.

Nan currently taken 2 doses, and I have seen no side effects. So definitely stand up for yourself/your loved one if you know something is wrong. Do not let anyone tell you they are unable to help or change anything. We all know that’s a load of bull, and if people really want to help they can. They just need a little encouragement. Which is sad really, I find myself expecting everyone to be as helpful and supportive as the lovely group on Twitter, or my AN, or social worker, or family/friends, sadly not always the case. But I’m fairly confident that the pharmacist will remember me, and what I’m there for from now on. I just feel a bit regretful I didn’t get to use my battle speeches I had prepared.

Nan has reverted back to holding me tight, whenever I do the smallest things for her. And whispering that I can’t leave. And that she’s so grateful. But last night it was worst. Last night she told me she’s sorry. (Started welling up). I asked her what she could be sorry for. “because you’re lumbered with me” Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. Gave her a big squeeze, waited for my tears to sink back into my eye sockets and said I never feel lumbered, I feel lucky. Then ran upstairs to cry. (Hormonal mess, hay fever etc).

It certainly is true some of the time. I do feel lucky to get so much time with my nan. But yes, I admit it, sometimes I feel lumbered. What a horrible thing to admit, but it’s out there. I’m now holding on to the thought that soon I’ll be able to share responsibility with mum, easing her worry and my stress.

Ultimately the message of today’s post is in the title. Once again a lyric from a song. One of my favourites, Hushabye Mountain. Because at the end of the day, that’s what I want nan to know. That I’m here, regardless, to take any worries, troubles, anxieties and replace them with happiness, comfort and security.

Whatever it takes.

Honey, I’m Home

Once again apologies for the delays in this post. Had a gorgeous weekend in Somerset and am only just getting back into routine. As many topics as I still have to write about I thought I would share with you all my feelings about the weekend away.

In a brief statement my weekend away made me feel like an over-protective, over-bearing parent.

Before I had even left London I had called nan 3 times to check she was OK. I called her again when I got to Somerset to discover that the carer had not fed the rabbit, so nan had gone outside. Nan was getting distressed because I could not stop myself asking questions about what the carer had done, and in the end mum had to intervene and tell me to stop. This phone call left me feeling even more guilty about leaving so I spent the rest of the evening feeling sad and with my heart racing.

Mum and I had a lovely morning the next day exploring the sights of Somerset, when we got home for lunch mum decided to call nan. When she did she could hear voices in the background. We called our estate agents, neither of whom had arranged a viewing. So the panic set in again. Our lovely estate agent legged it down to the house to check nanny was OK, and told her off for letting people in the house, despite the many signs on the door, and notes I had left. She also left nanny her phone number so that if people do want to come in nan could check with her. All the while mum and I are in a right tizz!

Eventually we found out the viewers were the viewers from the morning who had turned up late. Mind slightly eased except for the fact that I now add worrying about who the hell nan is letting in the house on top of worrying about medications, back pain, eating, cooking and possible fires, falling inside, falling outside and getting stuck… (and people wonder why I don’t go out).

So apart from the mishaps, and my overactive, over worrying brain I had a great weekend. And scoped some possible bungalows for nan to move into while she is still able to decide she wants to move (the idea of living pretty close to sea, fudge shops and Exmoor National Park helped her make her decision very quickly).

So I got home, went through the carers book, and it turns out the letter I left for the carer had mysteriously disappeared. The letter outlining what I would like them to do for nan while I was away, and asking them to feed the rabbit. I have my own theory about the letter, which I’m sure many of you can guess. I believe nan may have read the letter, decided she could do all that and threw it away. Still as ferociously independent as ever. And proving to me that despite all my fears and worries she is able to cope for a weekend (semi) alone, as long as I can bolt the door shut!